How to Deal With Feelings of Resentment Toward Those Whose Parents Handed Them Everything
By: Brian Kim - September 7, 2007
A young reader of my blog emailed me recently, saying he had difficulty coping with the fact that all his friends’ parents provided them with everything - cars, clothes, money for college tuition, etc. He couldn’t help feeling jealous and envious, and that life was unfair and he wanted to know how he could deal with those feelings. I kind of felt bad for him so I thought I’d write an article that would help him deal with those issues.
First off, you have to realize things from the parent’s point of view. As parents, we want the best for our children. We want to provide them with everything they need and want - clothes, cars, computers, tuition for college, books, etc. It’s natural for parents to do so, to help their children as much as possible. They want the best for their children, to give them what they never had as a child, to give them as much of a head start in life as they can. When you look at it that way, you understand why most parents tend to hand a lot of things to their children.
That’s the first point to realize. It’s just what parents want to do and if it’s within their financial means to do so, they will gladly do it. When you realize this, when you put yourself in the shoes of the parents, a lot of the “hardness” in your heart will soften as you realize it’s all in the name of parental love. If you were the parent, and you had the financial means, you would probably do the same thing. You would probably want to help your child as much as possible.
But there is a catch 22. As a parent, you want to do everything for your child but you have to realize that sooner or later, they must do things on their own. They have to learn about how to earn their own money, how to manage it, and how to make smart financial decisions with it. The longer you keep on handing everything to your children, the harder it will be for them to learn these crucial life skills and lessons on their own and that will severely backfire on them in their adult life.
I think as children grow older, you have to say “No” more frequently, and make them work hard for the things they want to have, because you have to teach them the value of hard work, the value of a dollar, the virtue of patience, of delayed gratification, etc., or else they will never learn and that’s a greater disservice to them in the long run.
You look at any argument over the topic of this article and you’ll generally see two sides to it.
The first is the “holier than thou” attitude that kids whose parents didn’t hand them much have toward those kids whose parents did. It’s a natural defense mechanism to justify the feelings of resentment they have. They assume that those kids whose parents handed them everything are nothing but spoiled brats, who don’t know the value of hard work, who are irresponsible, etc., while they are none of the above since they got everything on their own.
Granted that may be true in a lot of cases, but it’s a dangerous assumption to make, to lump all those people together and label them as such. There are those children who have had everything handed to them, but they make the most of it. They leverage it for all it’s worth. They appreciate what was given to them. They’re responsible. They work hard. They don’t take it for granted.
Then you got the other side, the kids whose parents did provide them with everything and they just shrug their shoulders, saying they can’t help it. That’s what their parents did. You can’t really blame them for that because it’s natural for parents to want to provide for their children like we mentioned in the beginning of the article. They just happened to be born in the right family under the right circumstances and there’s no way that children will reject the things that parents provide for them, which brings me to my second point, that we were all dealt different cards at birth and it’s up to us to make the most of it and not complain when we see others get a better hand.
Those whose parents did provide them with everything do seemingly get a head start in life, tangibly speaking.
But those who didn’t get everything handed to them by their parents have a huge, potential opportunity to nurture and cultivate the intangibles that will give them a much, much bigger head start in life.
I say potential opportunity because it’s just that. Potential. Not all people are going to take advantage of this. Most people will just throw their hands in the air and curse the universe for being born in such unfortunate circumstances.
Others will utilize the fact that their parents can’t provide them with everything to fuel their own “drive”, to work hard, to get the things they need on their own accord. Those intangibles – the proper perspective of money, knowing the true value of things, making sound financial decisions, differentiating between need and want, cultivating patience, delaying gratification, working hard – those intangibles are the things that will serve to give you a much bigger head start down the road than those whose parent’s provided them with everything. And these intangibles don’t just apply to your financial situation. They spill over and positively affect all other aspects of your life.
People whose parents didn’t provide them with everything usually appreciate the things they have more. They have to work hard in order to get those things they need on their own which usually makes them more financially responsible, more responsible in general, harder workers, etc. I ‘m not saying that ALL people whose parents didn’t provide them with everything will turn out like that nor am I saying that those people whose parents provided them with everything cannot also garner those same qualities.
All I’m saying is that those whose parents did not provide them with everything have a greater opportunity to develop those crucial life skills that are critical in adult life simply because they need to. Those who got everything handed to them usually don’t have that need to develop those crucial life skills, so they don’t spend time cultivating them.
When I was young, all my friends had parents who provided them with everything. Everything. And I’ll admit. I was jealous and envious, but that didn’t really do me any good so instead, I just put my nose to the grindstone, worked hard, and did the best I could with what I had.
Fast forward many, many years later and I can tell unequivocally, that there is a pretty big difference between those whose parents handed them everything and those whose parents didn’t. A lot of people I knew who had everything handed to them had very big problems in the financial department. They racked up massive credit card debt with ease, made impulsive expensive purchases, had no idea how to manage their finances, and got wrapped up in the consumer lifestyle. Not all the people I knew ended up like this, but a majority did.
However, others did just fine. They lived within their means, they were responsible with their money and they had a strong work ethic as well.
Personally, I’m glad that my parents couldn’t hand everything to me as a child. I had to work and pay for everything I needed on my own, simply because I had to. My parents couldn’t, even if they wanted to. All that time spent saving, working, being patient, it taught me a lot about personal finance, about delaying gratification, about having the proper view of money, it helped shaped my character, helped me develop patience, and helped me resist the allure of advertising and the consumerist lifestyle we are constantly bombarded with today. And all that has helped me in every aspect of my life in ways I never would’ve thought possible.
Again, not to say those whose parents provided them with everything can’t do the same. I’m just saying that it’s more likely that those whose parents didn’t provide them with everything will most likely develop all these intangible skills and qualities – just out of sheer necessity, provided they take advantage of the opportunity.
Put yourself in the shoes of the parents. Realize you want the best for your kids and that usually means handing them a lot of things. But realize also that too much of that can backfire on the children later on in life.
It may also seem that they are ahead tangibly speaking right now, but realize that you have the opportunity to develop very, very important intangible life skills that will benefit you a hundred times more in ways you never imagined down the road.
Not having everything handed to you by your parents is a true blessing in disguise, provided you take advantage of the huge potential opportunity that lies hidden within it.
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5 Responses to “How to Deal With Feelings of Resentment Toward Those Whose Parents Handed Them Everything”
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September 7th, 2007 at
Brian - another excellent article that eloquently states the feelings I’ve had for a long time. Whatever your cards - use them wisely!
September 8th, 2007 at
I lived in Indonesia for a year. I saw people who had no education, earned very little money, worked long hours under harsh conditions, lived very simply, and had probably no real opportunities to get more of an education or earn more money. They worked for food and every extra bit went to their extended family members. I saw severely crippled people begging for spare change that they lived on… there wasn’t any welfare. What amazed me was how sweet and well adjusted these people were. Not one of them acted like a victim! I didn’t run into one ‘poor me’ or ‘you owe me’ attitude. I came away from the experience feeling that Americans are so spoiled that they feel entitled to riches, even when they have done absolutely nothing to earn them.
Daniel, a friend I met while staying near Jakarta, told me about an Indian man he saw while touring India. He said this man had no arms or legs - he stayed alive by begging, and by rolling his body wherever he wanted to go. From what I’ve seen the streets and roads are not always exactly clean there, not to mention the rainy season.
We are fantastically wealthy in this country, and while most of us know people who have things vastly ‘better’ than we do, it doesn’t take much research to find that we live far better than a huge percentage of the earths population. I recommend that kid with the problem travel to a third world country, that will cure him very quickly.
September 11th, 2007 at
Martin,
Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it! Use those cards wisely indeed.
Mike,
Thank you very much for sharing your experiences with us. I’m sure it will open a lot of people’s eyes and make them grateful for their current situation. It’s something we should all definitely keep in mind.
January 1st, 2008 at
I was one of those kids who was handed everything. While I’m truly grateful for all that my parents have done for me, I find myself at a bit of a disadvantage. I was always told I was more intelligent, more attractive, more able, and more worthy of success in life. I was told this so often that I began to believe it. When schoolwork finally stopped coming easily, I had no reason to continue. I felt that it shouldn’t be happening to me - the sense of entitlement was destroying me. I had a “me” vs. “them” mentality that ate away at my relationships. Friends and other people who didn’t even know me made rude comments about how I’d never had to work a day in my life. I chalked it up to jealousy and felt a sense of pride for not having to do what I thought was menial work. I called it “wage slavery” and with piety, shunned it. I now find myself being thrown into the harsh reality that I’m not going to have things handed to me forever. My safety net will break, and my well of gifts will dry up. I actually have a bit of envy for friends who had to work to get everything they have. They’re responsible, they persist, and they have a work ethic I’ll likely never know. My early years were easier than other people’s, but I’m paying highly for it now. Some people say harsh things about Paris Hilton, while all I have is sympathy for her. What did she have to work for? What accomplishment could she have felt growing up? There was no motivation. Parents try to do the best for their kids by lavishing them with money and praise, but it backfires. To any of you out there reading this who hold resentment for those who were handed everything - please think again. Realize that it now takes twice as much effort on my part in order to do simple tasks. It’s as though a rug has been ripped out from under me, and I’m face down on a cold stone floor. If you were ever made to clean your room, work a job, or buy anything for yourself, please be grateful.
January 10th, 2008 at
K,
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on the matter. It’s always refreshing to hear things from another point of view.
I’m sure everybody reading this will benefit, regardless of whether or not their parents handed them everything and I’m sure those whose parent’s did not hand them everything will be a little bit surprised at what’s going on at the other side of the fence.
Truth be told, everybody has problems, regardless of how they were brought up. True, those problems may be different, but regardless, they are problems that we all have to deal with everyday in our lives.
I’m sure K that you’ll do just fine. Even though you may view yourself at a disadvantage right now, the important thing is that you’re acknowledging the areas where you might need to improve and you’re tackling them head on to improve upon them.
Thanks again for your comments. They are very much appreciated.