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Why Nice Guys Can’t Get Girls

By: Brian Kim - August 21, 2006

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This article was inspired by a book I read called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Danny Glover.

It seems American society is being flooded with nice guys. Every women reading this article knows EXACTLY what a nice guy is. There’s no need to pull out Websters here. In addition to that, every woman reading this knows AT LEAST one nice guy in her social circle.

For the men reading this, chances are if you are an American male, you have a very strong possibility of being a nice guy. Here’s the litmus test you can use in order to determine if you are one.

Do you constantly seek approval from women? Do you try to “buy” love from women with fancy dinners and gifts? Do women that you like tell you you’re like a brother to them? (that’s the kiss of death btw) When you ask women out, do they reply “Let’s just be friends.”? Do you think it’s bad to be male?

If you find yourself nodding along to these questions, I’m sorry to be the one to point out to you that you are a 100% Certified Grade A Nice Guy with all the trimmings, but don’t despair, there is hope.

A lot of theories have been tossed around regarding why women don’t go for the nice guys.

“They’re not a challenge.” “They’re too boring.” “There’s no excitement.” “They’re too easy to get.” “They’re pushovers.”

These to me, are the superficial reasons why women don’t go for nice guys. We need to dig a bit deeper.

What’s the root reason why nice guys can’t get the girls?

In my opinion, there are actually two root reasons.

1. They don’t embrace their masculinity. 2. They put women on a pedestal.

1. They don’t embrace their masculinity.

The book I mentioned lists several reasons as to why men of this generation have become nice guys. One reason that really struck me was radical feminism. Glover stated that radical feminism led to a social climate that was extremely hostile toward men.

“All men are pigs.” “Men are the cause of all the problems in the world.” “Men are rapists.” “All men are good for nothing animals who treat women like pieces of meat.”

Therefore, boys concluded that women did not like men, so they strived to hide their masculinity. After all, men were pigs right? And women don’t like that right? So don’t be a man, and you won’t be a pig and women will like that right? Twisted reasoning indeed.

The result?

Women all over America becoming extremely frustrated with the lack of real men today. Radical feminism has tasted the fruits of its labor and it is very bitter.

Don’t mess with nature. If you’re male, be male. If you’re female, be female. Don’t hide it. Embrace it.

Get the notion of “It’s bad to be male” out of your head right this second.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being male.

Just like there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being female, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being male.

Embrace your masculinity. Do not be ashamed of it.

2. They put women on a pedestal.

The book also states that because of a shift from an agrarian to a manufacturing society in America, as well as several wars in between, boys were left without fathers at home.

Furthermore, the educational system was primarily comprised of females.

With the absence of male influence at home and at school, boys were conditioned to look to women for definition and approval. This habit carries on to adulthood in the form of guys seeking approval from women.

Nice guys see women they like and automatically put them on a pedestal, wondering what they can do to gain their approval. Maybe write them a 10 page love letter, or make them a mix tape, or shower them with expensive gifts, all in a vain attempt to gain her approval and win her love.
They do all this in the beginning of a relationship, hence having the quality of “coming on too strong, being too eager and not being enough of a challenge.” By doing these things from the very beginning, men silently imply that they are not good enough and must resort to other tactics to deem themselves worthy of women.

Nice guys see women and think, “Man, I have to do something in order to get that girl. They’re way up there and I’m way down here so I have to compensate somehow”.

As a result, nice guys spend their every waking moment, dreaming of how they can get the girl. They spend all their free time around the girl, going shopping with her, listening to all her complaints, sympathizing with the problems she is having with her boyfriend, all in a vain attempt to gain her approval in hopes that one day she will come racing into his arms.

Women are human. They eat, breath, sleep, and go to the bathroom on a regular basis just like the rest of us. Women are not goddesses. They have the same insecurities (if not more) as you and I. There’s nothing different about them. They're human.

Don’t think that you have to gain approval from them.

All right, so how can you stop being a nice guy?

Don’t be afraid to be male. Embrace your masculinity.

But what does it mean to embrace your masculinity? What does it mean to be male?

Let’s break down attraction to the most basic elements.

Male and female.

Males are attracted to females.

Females are attracted to males.

Biologically speaking, what makes somebody male?

Testosterone.

Biologically speaking, what makes somebody female?

Estrogen.

Testosterone is attracted to estrogen.

Estrogen is attracted to testosterone.

Ever wonder why the jocks got the girls in high school? They worked out and played in competitive sports; two things conducive to promoting testosterone in the body.

Ever wonder why “bad boys” and criminals get the women? They're risk takers. They pay no attention to law. They're reckless and dangerous. Again, symptoms of high testosterone.

Research has linked high testosterone to criminal behavior. Research has linked competition and weight lifting to high testosterone as well.

Testosterone: Hormone of the Gods?

Women are attracted to the jocks and bad boys simply because they are male in the sense that they have high testosterone.

Is the flip side true? Are men attracted to beautiful women simply because they are women in the sense that they have high estrogen?

Yes, studies have shown that men are attracted to women with high estrogen levels as well.

Feminine Beauty Linked to Estrogen Levels A beautiful combination: Researchers link estrogen to looks Hormone levels predict attractiveness of women

(Btw, you will find women use make up as well in order to give the illusion of the physical characteristics of high estrogen in order to attract males)

There’s a deeper science that goes into this about how high levels of testosterone and estrogen reflect underlying health and fertility, but I won’t get into that.

Strictly speaking in biological terms, testosterone makes the man and estrogen makes the women.

Is this surprising? No.

Drill down to the basics.

I am male, she is female.

Act accordingly and attraction will not be a problem.

Now, am I advocating that you go and inject yourself with 500 liters of testosterone? Absolutely not. Injecting yourself with synthetic testosterone shuts down your body’s ability to produce it naturally.

I am advocating however, that you engage in activities that will raise your testosterone levels.

Lifting heavy weights on a consistent basis coupled with proper nutrition and rest will raise levels of testosterone in the body. When you lift heavy weights, you literally create little tears in your muscle tissues. Testosterone, an anabolic hormone responsible for muscle growth among many other things, is produced by the body in order to rebuild the muscle to resist against future weight.

So instead of sitting on your butt playing World of Warcraft, Playstation, or X Box, get out there and pick up the weights.

You will find that by building your testosterone, your demeanor toward women and theirs toward you will change. When you lock eyes with a beautiful women, you won’t immediately shift your eyes to the ground and be embarrassed. You’ll lock eye contact with her and be comfortable about it. SHE will be the one who looks away.

You will find that women will start paying more attention to you. It’s as if they’re equipped with incredibly sensitive receptors to testosterone. (studies have shown that women are capable of identifying individuals with high testosterone simply by smelling sweaty t-shirts)

Try a regimen of weightlifting and compare your attitude and results with the opposite sex after a short period of time. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.

If you want more information on building muscle as well as losing fat, two things that are conducive to increasing testosterone in the body, check out Tom Venuto's book Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle.

And don't become so obsessed with testosterone that you start letting it control you, in terms of your behavior and attitude. Then you'll turn into the jerk or the criminal.

The key is to have testosterone and control it. Don't let it control you.

Just be true to your nature.

To illustrate my point even further, imagine a woman with a thick beard, mustache and a deep voice hitting on you at the bar. You would be repulsed right? Of course you would! This woman is not embracing her true nature as a female.

Women are a million times more repulsed because nice guys do exactly the same thing. They don’t embrace their true nature as a male.

If you’re male, be male. If you’re female, be female and let nature take its course.

You don’t need the memorize pick up lines. You don’t need to psych yourself up to meet women. You don’t need to make a ton of money. You don’t need to have a great job. You don’t need the BMW.

You just need to be male. Everything you need is already inside of you.

Use it.

Don’t make women the focal point of your life.

Nice guys revolve their entire lives around the women. Nice guys spend all their time dreaming of all the future possibilities with her. They do all this from the get go. What must I do to get her? I’ll write her poetry. I’ll take her out to the most expensive restaurant and show her how wealthy I am. I’ll buy her favorite pair of shoes that she mentioned in a conversation nine years ago. They'll drop whatever they are doing at a drop of a dime and be at their beck and call 24/7.

All acts reeking of extreme desperation.

What’s the solution? Is it to try not to act desperate?

These are when the “rules of dating” come into play. Call her three days later, act aloof, be a challenge. That’s all utter garbage. That’s all smoke and mirrors.

Don’t try to fake not being desperate by following these “rules”. Just don’t be desperate naturally. How?

Don’t make women the focal point in your life. Have something else going for you. Have a worthy goal or dream you are pursuing that is of higher priority than women.

Have a dream. Have a goal and work toward it. Women will not seem that intimidating anymore. You won’t spend all your time with her. You won’t become “too easy” or “boring” because you’ve got something else going for you.

Instead of using all your time, money, and energy pursing women, use all that to accomplish your own goals. Napoleon Hill refers to this as sexual transmutation. Channel all that energy into fulfilling your own goals and you will find yourself unstoppable. Go on your own program of self improvement. Nice guys place their worthiness and happiness on getting the girl. Instead of doing that, make your own life happy and worthwhile by pursuing your own goals and ambitions. Then, she’ll be the one asking, “What can I do to get him?"

So nice guys, don’t feel so bad. Society is structured to easily make nice guys of any male but the key is not to blame society and if you're a frusterated nice guy, the key is not to blame women in general. It’s just to become aware that the common factor is YOU and that you change by embracing your right to be male.

Embrace your masculinity, take women off the pedestal, and don’t make women the focus of your life. Harness all that time, money, and energy and apply it toward realizing your own goals and dreams and the nice guy within will never appear ever again.

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117 Responses to “Why Nice Guys Can’t Get Girls”

  1. Gleb Reys Says:

    Thanks for the great post, Brian! :)

    I liked it at lot now, and I should probably read the book too ;) I think I’m a desperately nice guy, although none of the questions from the test match my personality and views on this life. Will see if there’s anything in the book ;)

  2. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Gleb,

    Thanks for the kind words!

    Loved your post on the strongest dad in the world. I saw the video on youtube but didn’t know the back story behind it. Powerful stuff indeed.

  3. Peter Says:

    also the female view on this subject…
    http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml

  4. Brian Kim Says:

    Wow, they let it all out didn’t they :)

  5. Matt Says:

    You’re the man… That was the best read I’ve had in a long time… You hit the nail on the head my friend. That article should be in every mens magazine in the world.

  6. Brian Kim Says:

    Matt,

    Thanks for the support. Feel free to tell anybody you know who might benefit. The women of this world will thank you!

  7. Justin Says:

    I thought that your post was great. I don’t know you or anything, and just happened to stumble on this site. You didn’t blame the woman, and you didn’t blame the man either. You dug into the root of the problem though, and that was great. I have a gf that I’m totally in love with, and happy to have her, but I still think that I’m a nice guy, and even I got something out of it. Sorry, but I don’t want to give out my real email address.

  8. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Justin,

    Thanks for stopping by and for the comments. I appreciate it.

    I tried to be balanced in the article as it’s a sensitive subject. I’m glad you got something out of it though. Don’t worry about the email address - it’s just a feature in Wordpress.

    Brian

  9. Bob Marley Says:

    very interesting and well justified points, will try it myself!

  10. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Bob,

    Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it. Let me know how it goes!

  11. Will Says:

    Wow…just wow.

    Ask and you shall receive. I just today got to point in my life where I said, “Okay, stop everything. I am sick and tried of the status quo in my life. It’s time for some SERIOUS change to start happening.” So after clearing my head of all distractions I sat down and did some brain storming/problem solving…to put a long story short, I did some searching on the web and found this website.

    I NEEDED this article years ago, but I’m glad I found it while I’m still relatively young (I’m 21).
    I’ve been stuck in the “good friend” position to this girl I’ve known for sooo many years. Seriously, I am an extreme example of the nice guy described in this article, but today I found myself truly at my wits end with the situation between her and I.

    So, I’m going to be taking this advice to heart. I’m going to allow myself to be masculine around her. I’m going to think of her as a human being. I’m going to act naturally as a male and as myself.
    So simple, yet most truths are I guess.

    Thank you so much for making this website. I love it!

  12. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Will,

    Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it!

    Good to know that this article has helped. I’m glad you had the chance to read it at such a young age.

    Feel free to tell others about it, especially any other nice guys you know - they will owe you big for it ;)

    I’m glad I could help.

  13. Thankful youngster Says:

    In the space of a month your inspirational words
    Made me more charming and got the girl ive ben wanting i mean ive got ma mates hittin up your page
    your a great person and i was wonderin are al these storys life experience or just cold hard facts Thanx

  14. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Thankful youngster,

    I’m glad to see that the site has made you more charming and got you the girl you’ve been wanting. Congratulations on that. I also appreciate you telling your friends to visit this site.

    With regard to your question, all of this is a healthy mixture of life experience and cold hard facts. To narrow it down, it’s more like life experience BACKED by cold hard facts.

    Thanks again for the update. I’m truly glad to see that your life has changed for the better.

  15. Robin Says:

    I will vouch that most of what is in this article is true. You don’t have to lift weights only but work your body in any extreme point.

    I was at the point that I even had women asking me home, very pretty ones that I never thought I stood a chance with.

    But there is one caution, don’t forget the softer side when you become heavily involved with a woman. It is good to show both the strength and weaknesses in a committed relationship. But if you are single and looking for a good time, then this is a good and healthy way to go.

    On many good nights I would go to the bar just to have fun and possibly get drunk. I would actually tell a girl this to her face. In many cases, I would end up getting asked to a party after, some of them were private. :)

    Now I am happily married to one of these girls with two lovely children.

  16. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Robin,

    Thanks for dropping by and leaving your thoughts based on your personal experience. I really appreciate it.

    You’re right when you say you should show your softer side when heavily involved with a woman. This aticle was mainly geared toward those on the extreme nice end of the spectrum, but once you get a grip of yourself, your advice does come in handy.

    Congratulations on your marriage and your two lovely children!

    Thanks again.

  17. Daniel Says:

    Okay, so testosterone seems to be the magic enticment drug…. first of all women are so complicated and I don’t think its that simple. I dont think that if I start lifting weights, girls will start flocking to me. I’ve seen so many guys that dont lift at all, be the center of attention when comes to girls…
    How do start being “more” masculine..???

  18. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Daniel,

    I would recommend lifting weights first to experience its effects before dismissing it so quickly. Then we can talk about the other things ;)

  19. megan Says:

    This article is the guy I am seeing to a “T.” He is completely in love with me and has spent over 6K in gift in less than 6 months of knowing me. I have 0 attraction to him physically. He is a nice looking guy, but I donn’t have that connection! I have always told him he is too much of a pushover, and not a mans man. He quote the fashion shows I watch more than I do. I have referred to him as my “gay best friend.” I even told him that- and he was flattered. Not a masculine behavior.

    What is funny is I really think that if he read this article he would understand better why I am not attracted to him like he is to me. I am an athlete…he isn’t. I encourage him to work out, but he only does so with me. Sorry..I am rambling. I think you get my point. thanks for the validation

  20. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Megan,

    Thanks for sharing your experience with us. It’s nice to see some perspective from the female side.

    I would recommend just casually telling him about this site in general and he’ll probably find this article on his own and I guarantee you that if he reads it, understands it, and applies it, you will have saved him YEARS of suffering down the road ;)

  21. Daniel Says:

    okay I started lifting…. lets talk about the other things.
    Didn’t mean to sound negative.

  22. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Daniel,

    What I meant to say was try lifting weights consistently, (consistently being the key word there) and build muscle to increase your testosterone for a couple of months and see what happens then.

  23. Zhenya Says:

    Hi: Daniel,

    I happen to be a female. The kind of guys I like? Rail-thiin, make-up wearing, and androgynous. My point? “Like yourself,” “have a healthy self-respect,” “have a life,” and “do not stereotype women” are all valid points. The masculinity crap? => load of BS. WTF does it mean “to be masculine”? Not only has it changed through time, it changes across cultures and even within a culture. My favorite example is that in ancient Rome, to be masculine meant to be in control, first and foremost over yourself. This meant that if you were promiscuous and slept with too many women, you were actually seen as feminine, because females were these weak things with no control; they were the passive party to any transaction. Compare this to today’s notion that sleeping around with tons of different women proves a man’s “masculinity.”

    The point: lifting weights will attract those who like beefy guys. But there are many different women out there, and there is someone to like a guy in all ranges of “masculinity” — including women who wish there were some guys that were both flamboyant and straight (or at least bi) => of which I am an example. Now exercise IS likely to be good for one because of all its positive benefits on improving your mood, your self-esteem, etc. But lifting weights to beef up because chicks dig testosteron-y cavemen? That, in my opinion, is an inaccurate generalization.

    I agree with you that lifting weights is not what is going to make you “masculine.” Now, deciding what your personal definition of masculinity is and becoming the person who has confidence in living out that definition may do it :-)

    Good luck!

  24. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Zhenya,

    Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts from a female perspective. You make excellent valid points and I very much agree with your thoughts on what you say about masculinity (the Rome example was great!)

    The only thing I want to clarify with lifting weights is that it’s not so much the muscle or the testosterone that helps, it’s the increased self confidence and self image and many other little improvements that come as a byproduct of lifting weights that has helped. I’ve seen it countless times and heard it from countless men that weight lifting has changed their lives and have helped them to some extent with the opposite sex. It “takes men back to their roots” so to speak. Is it the cure all? Of course not. But it helps and coupled with your points on masculinity, I think it would make a deadly combination ;)

  25. Avichai Says:

    Hey Brian
    amazing article… it made alot of sense …
    Besides weights how do you become more manly?

  26. calven Says:

    so what i understand is if you work out you realease Testosterone and/or when you have selfconfidence and dont act like a girl yea?

  27. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Avichai,

    Thanks for the kind words. With regard to your request, visit my blog in the next week or so. I’ll have an in-depth article about that topic.

    Calven,

    Testosterone is just ONE aspect of attraction. It is nature’s “elixir” of attraction so it only makes sense to play by nature’s rules.

  28. Kunal Says:

    This is the most amazing article i have read in a long time… amazingggg….

  29. Brian Kim Says:

    Kunal,

    Thank you very much for the kind words. I really appreciate it! I’m glad you’ve found it that amazing ;)

  30. Jason Says:

    Thank you for writing this. Woman can get me so confused about how to behave around them that I’ll totally lose myself and act how I think they want me to act and everytime I end up being the one with all of the estrogen. Working out and working for your own personal goals. Easy to remember. Thats all I needed. But if you have more knowledge on this subject (and I’m sure you do) please, please, write about it.

  31. Brian Kim Says:

    Jason,

    No problem. I’m glad the article has helped you.

    I think a lot of guys out there will agree with you 100% that women can be very confusing so take solace in the fact that you are not alone.

    It’s funny you mention that you request I write more about this subject because it’s not just you. This request probably accounts for a good chunk of all the article requests I get via email so it looks like I’ve stumbled onto something here. Look to see for more articles like this in the future.

    In the meantime, I think I’ve written some sporadic articles related to this subject in my archives. None come to mind immediately but I’m sure you can find those articles at http://www.briankim.net/archives

    Thanks again for dropping by and leaving your thoughts.

    Thanks again.

  32. Romel Says:

    Brian,this is the first time I have read such an article.It seems so useful to me.Unfortuantely I match all the characteristics of a NICE GUY though I m not an American!! u mentioned.I dont want to be a Mr.nice guy any more.Theres one girl I love.Its only one.But being Mr.nice mahy be the cause that I still couldnt have her.And she is still single but I donno for how long she will be!I wanna be something else now but will my transtion to not being a nice guy make me loose her?Will my shifting mind to something else make me forget her?This I dont want but I don wanna be a nice guy either.I love her and I want her.Please give me your opinion.Thanks.

  33. Jonny Says:

    Well i have to agree with Brian 100 percent. I used to be pretty chunky and overweight in high school, i wasn’t involved in any physical sports. You can say i was pretty much a nerd, no girls were interested in me. But in my 4th year of high school i started to lift weights. I’ve lost bunch of weight, and gained a lot of muscles. Considering i m in college right now, my life style has changed 360 degrees around. I am way more confident, before i used to be nervous when speaking to a girl. In a short amount of time all of that changed. I now have a girlfriend, i love her very dearly, and we have a great sex life. This article should be read by every men, that for example lifting weights is not just going to make you physically stronger, but it will also make you mentally stronger.

  34. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Romel,

    Thanks for your comments.

    To be honest, I’m hesitant to give you advice because I don’t know your situation and all the details surrounding it. My two cents are, if you want her, then go get her but don’t be the nice guy. That’s all I would say.

    Jonny,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I think a lot of people will be inspired by it. It’s great to see that your life did a complete 360 degree change with the help of lifting weights!

  35. sLcDrummer Says:

    i think you can be nice only to a point, otherwise youre gonna get trampled on.
    Its very important to not always pay for shit, Let your partner/date meet you half way, share
    food and stuff, youll both save a lot of money.
    Once in a while i think its ok to buy her food and stuff but i think most things go both ways in a relationship.
    Some women cry for equality but many are Hypocrites when it comes down to it.
    for example: I want a guy whos 6′5 …are you 6′5 ..dont think so.
    I wanna be a stay @ home mom ..we dont even have kids ..or even better what are YOU gonna do about it, so you can do that?
    or i want someone whos self-employed or rich …are you self-employed or rich
    Any way you get the point some people want everything they arent.
    I know its true for some guys to but I manly hear that from women

  36. Guy Says:

    Holy crap, this is good stuff. All nice guys need to see this. It’s time for intelligent, moral men to take back what belongs to them. Use this opportunity wisely, nice guys. This here is truth - I’ve never been so sure in my life.

  37. Brian Kim Says:

    sLcDrummer,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the matter. It seemed like you needed to vent, but that’s ok. I think a lot of guys out there might share your sentiments.

    Guy,

    Thank you for the kind words. It’s good to know you see this as truth and that you’ve never been so sure in your life! The strongest comment yet thus far ;)

  38. Simon Cheers Says:

    I am a nice guy, have been all my life. Recently I have started doing weights and a lot of cardio work. You are spot on about the affect exercise can have. Whether or not it is related to testosterone is debatable, it could be a “doing something to improve yourself improves your self confidence thing”. All i know that it works, i catch the eye of the women at clubs/pubs now and they actually smile! It’s awesome. Anyway i’ve still got a ways to go, but it’s all going in the right direction.

    Also. You’ll find that a lot of nice guys were either mentally or even physically abused during school by the “non nice guys”. It’s really easy to associate going to the gym and being more masculine with those losers at highschool. You do not need to become them, remain yourself, love computer games, love the internet, take your ipod to the gym and listen to podcasts! The important thing is to respect yourself whether or not your chosen lifestyle is ‘cool’ or not it doesn’t matter. You can make it cool by embracing it :)

  39. John Says:

    When it comes to girls lifitng weights makes a big difference!! My friend Ricky was scrawny,tall lanky and worst of all had a potbelly! His face was puffy and had no neck sepration like his chin had fat underneath.Ok he worked his butt off and now he finally bulked up got a slim waist his body language is improved he walks straight and bes tof all woman now look at him! So all these people that say girls dont care about looks thats not true! having a good body helps you get noticed it gets your “foot” in the door sort to speak.

  40. Brian Kim Says:

    Simon,

    Thank you for sharing your experiences and your advice with us. It’s good to see that you’re catching the eyes of the ladies at the clubs ;)

    John,

    Thanks for sharing that story about your friend with us. I’ve heard a lot of stories like that and the outcome is pretty much exactly how you describe it.

    It’s true, having a good body can’t hurt ;)

  41. John Salinas Says:

    Dear Brian Kim:
    I wholeheartedly agree with your post, but I’ve this question. It’s cliche’ by now that so many women stay with ‘abusers’ or ‘abusive’ boyfriends, husbands. Now, true, ‘abuse’ is so overused it’s meaningless, and many women, skirting responsibility, simply say ‘he’s an asshole’ and that’s it. But there are plenty who stay through actual disrespect, mindgames, even physical beatings.

    Now, you say testosterone attracts. If these are high-T guys, great. If a criminal/jock is also an abuser, fine. But sometimes, and fairly often, they aren’t. What, then, explains this incredible female devotion?

  42. Brian Kim Says:

    John Salinas,

    With regard to your question, I’ll be honest. I really don’t know. Some may attribute that kind of behavior to an abused childhood, mental issues, or anything else of that sort.

    I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help.

  43. confused guy Says:

    hi there is this girl that i like and im not sure how she feels about me
    her best friend suddenly ask me do i like her
    if a girls best friend ask u do u like that girl wat does it mean

  44. Brian Kim Says:

    Confused guy,

    It can mean a lot of things.

    Don’t try to overanlyze things. If you like the girl, then go for it. Life’s too short to be standing on the sidelines all the time.

  45. Dan M Says:

    The information discussed in this article is all well and good for “getting the girl” - there are some problems with the entire aim of the idea, at least from my perspective, but that’s beyond the scope I want for this comment - but what about after you’re in the relationship? Staying healthy (and by “healthy” I don’t mean “high testosterone”, although a balanced testosterone level is certainly included in the term) and being confident will only take you so far before the relationship demands more - much more, and a set of actions coming from an entirely different direction. It has already been mentioned that men have to hold onto some sort of abstract “softer side” for later in the relationship, but that line of thinking strikes me as a tad ridiculous.

    The short answer for what is required for a healthy relationship is two entirely independent persons who choose to be together on a balanced basis of the other’s character. Character certainly includes health, but it certainly isn’t at the top of that list. It scares me to think that so many people get into relationships without having a conversation with their significant other; how do they assess and solve problems? How do they act towards people that have done them wrong, or right for that matter? there are a myriad of various questions that should go through your head, not least of which is What are they like when they don’t get what they want?

    A very common type of relationship is based on looks: the prototypical quarterback/cheerleader relationship. But if you’re dating someone because they look good, then that will vanish relatively fast. You should be in a relationship with someone because you like - perhaps you love - who they are, not how they appear. There is a discrepancy apparent in modern society between action-as-feeling and action-as-action. Action-as-feeling can be characterized in the phrase “I love you” as being translated to “I like you a lot, right now”; action-as-action can similarly be characterized as “I act in such a way that is for your good”. I don’t want to get too philosophical with ideas of the Good, but you can read that as “in your interest”.

    Any relationship, romantic or not, should have members who are willing to put that relationship on the line in the interest of the other. What I mean is that you should be willing to fight for what is good for someone, even if you’re fighting against them, in a relationship. A very common problem we have in society is drug-use which can serve as an example: you ought to be willing to end the relationship for the sake of trying to stop the other from taking drugs (although any sort of abuse can serve as an example here).

    I’m beginning to rant, so I’ll throw out a few main points, whether readers agree or not…
    -You don’t know someone until you know what they’re like when they don’t get what they want.
    -A short-term relationship is not a relationship in the sense I’ve discussed it.
    -Acting in love is worth far more than feeling love.
    -Do not base a relationship in anything that can disappear (including anything physical).
    -You should be willing to sacrifice the relationship for the other’s good.

    I have a pretty archaic view of relationships, and I tend to get a lot of negative reactions to ideas I have about them because “real” relationships don’t feel good. It’s hard to be the sort of person you need to be, its hard to be as honest as you need to be, and its even harder to accept that honesty from others. If you’re looking to have fun, then go ahead and raise your testosterone levels, that may very well work for you; if you’re looking for a long-term relationship that is healthy beneath the surface, then I suggest you consider some of the ideas I’ve brought up.

    Of course there is much more the say, always is, but I don’t expect many people to read a comment even this long let alone a half-decent one. I’m open to discussing any of these things further, but I’ll leave relationship advice to the author of the original article; I don’t trust anyone to be honest enough to provide enough information about any given situation that would provide ample ground for proper advice. That’s not at all to say that everyone is dishonest, only that at least some people are and that is enough to dissuade me from talking about these things in any way other than rather disconnectedly.

    Not a terrible article, but it seems to follow the modern perversion of relationship as a feel-good fun-time experience. Having a relationship is very much worth the effort, but the gratification is often not immediate, and that entails a particular sort of person - especially now that modern culture betrays a balanced idea of character for any of a number of extremes.

    Regards,
    Dan M

    p.s. For those of us with some background in the topic, I do apologize for being a bit too general and vague, but my intent was simply to introduce some different ideas, not to establish any sort of serious endeavour. I don’t assume for a moment that my view of relationship is generally regarded as proper nor as more beneficial, but if anyone would like, I can certainly suggest a number of sources which have a more responsible discussion of these things.

  46. Brandon H Says:

    Hello Brian, I consider myself a “nice guy”. I find it hard to understand what the female wants from you. Ive came close to so many girls and then loose them. Am i Being to nice? I find it that i hear “best friend” all the time. What am i doing to become these girls bestfriends and why arnt they looking at me as something more then a friend?

  47. Brian Kim Says:

    Dan,

    You sure had a lot to say ;) and I understand where you’re coming from. Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with us.

    Brandon,

    It’s hard to say since I don’t really know you or your situation too well.

    What I will tell you though is that if you’re hearing “best friend” a lot of the time from the girls you’re interested in, it’s a sign there’s no “polarity” in the relationship.

    Most nice guys will try to “mask” their sexuality and masculinity because of society’s inherent negative views of them and lose their “polarity” in the process. They have no charge. They become like another female friend to women. They become androgynous, neither male or female.

    Embrace your masculinity. Don’t hide it or be ashamed of it. It’s natural. There’s nothing wrong with being male just as there’s nothing wrong with being female.

  48. Dan M Says:

    Brian:

    Having a lot to say happens often when one thinks about things for more than enough time to have an initial emotional reaction to them. (Especially if one does not generally characterize their experience or opinions based upon that emotional reaction.) The problem with any short article dealing with social problems that isn’t terribly specific (and so invariably the problem with the articles you’re writing) is that they are often too vague or don’t clarify what they mean beyond a particular given viewpoint. But that’s beside the point.

    However, I’m concerned that people will try to use advice given in this article not to try and work towards what it suggests but by constructing a false presentation of themselves in order to manipulate women into a relationship - think of it like a trap. While having a healthy level of masculinity is certainly appropriate, the point is to attract women - not to trap them. You seem in the article to be bolstering a very animalistic sort of masculinity, but I think that a more appropriate sort of masculinity is that associated with a gentleman. Most people probably define “gentleman” and “nice guy” as the same thing, but - when we’re defining “nice guys” as you are - they are quite different, indeed.

    That manipulation is abuse and the clarification ought to be made that you’re not talking about being an animal, but simply not being this “nice guy”. Unless I’ve misread your intentions and you are talking about being an animal, in which case I do believe that I have some serious qualms with what you’re trying to recommend people do - as is the case with a number of “self-help” type articles and books.

    Regards,
    Dan M

  49. Brian Kim Says:

    Dan,

    I don’t think anyone in this world can write an article that will cover all the points they want to regarding a certain issue. That’s why people write books ;)

    Of course, within any article, there’s always going to be a few things missing. That’s because the focus of the article usually falls on one or two points, to keep it simple for the reader to understand and to apply. If you try to cover too many things, you just “drown” the reader.

    I certainly don’t want people to become an “animal”. I just want them to get back in touch with their masculinity and to not be ashamed of it as society tends to view it in such a negative light these days.

    Also, it seems as if all the comments that you write tend to have a “know it all” attitude to them and I certainly don’t think that’s your intention at all.

    What I would highly suggest for you is to start your own blog and write about your own thoughts rather than piggyback on other people’s articles.

    It’s always easier to rant, critique and add to an article then it is to actually sit down and write the article - to create your own thoughts that addresses the problems people have today and come up with reasonable, logical answers to them, answers that have been proven to work, while at the same time, keeping it as simple as possible for the reader to understand.

  50. irritated Says:

    brian
    i was a good friend wit this girl but i started to like her
    my friends kept tellin her i like her makin her feel arkward so she
    started to advoid me
    wat should i do to “calm” this situation down
    wats should i say?

  51. Guy Says:

    irritated,

    Pretend she doesn’t exist. No, not really, but stop acting like you need her, because the fact is you don’t need her. You’ve been alive this whole time without her! I wouldn’t recommend trying too hard to give off an I-don’t-need-you look, because women are fantastic at detecting an act. Just embrace the true fact that you don’t need need her to survive, and you behavior will automatically follow.

    Women get panicky and “weirded out” all the time, they hate the responsibility of being able to affect your emotions. It can be a lot of work (depending on the woman) to put up with their silliness, but the almost-magic bullet is to embrace the fact that you DO NOT NEED HER to survive. Once she can see that, she’ll be more likely to want you.

  52. Arvid Says:

    Hi Brian,

    Your article is straight to the point. I love women, but all of my relations failed, because I acted as a girlfriend in relationships. I grew up without a father figure in my family and certainly adopted many feminine qualities. Girls like me, but they talk to me as if I was one of them. And I fall for it! With the life issues I deal as a man, but in the friendships as a woman. It is mainly based on my personality and sexual desires. I prefer to play a girls part (it turns me on) in bed (and I`m nowhere near the gay). To build up testosterone levels by lifting weights is unlikely to help me. I believe, it is more psychological in my case for the reasons I did mention above (growing up in the feminine surrounding). It seems, that when I like or in love with the girl, I offer her everything what woman would offer to her partner. I am in touch with one girl now, that I like and she seems to like me. But I`m afraid that history will repeat itself.

  53. MMAfan Says:

    Ok this was an interesting article and made some good points. However I must comment on the weight training. I am 20 and have been consistently weight training since I was 16. I am a pretty strong guy for my size. I am 5′6″ weigh 165; Bench: 295; Squat 360. I absolutely love lifting weights however it hasn’t helped at all with the ladies. I do get some confidence from lifting weights but it’s only temporary. Like I will get this big boost of confidence right after my workout but after about an hour that confidence is gone. Also I’ve been to a couple of power lifting competitions and I must say the wives/girlfriends look like they could bench about 315 themselves (the girls were not attractive). What I’m trying to say is that, from my experience, there is very little correlation between lifting weights and success with women.

    Moving on… I used to be Mr. Nice guy. I used to suck up to women, buy them gifts, do them favors, listen to their rants about their current boyfriend etc. However after constantly being put in the “Just Friends” category I finally just said screw it I’m not going to waste any more of my time trying to win over some girls affection. So the good news, now, is that I have a lot more free time because I’m not spending all my time being a pushover. The bad news is I very seldom talk to girls anymore. I don’t know what to say to them so I don’t say anything at all. I keep hoping one will find me good looking and start a conversation with me but it hasn’t happened thus far. I know what sort of behaviors DO NOT attract girls but I don’t know what specific ones do. Best of luck to all the other commentors.

  54. Ivan Says:

    MMAfan

    You talk and think about yourself very much. I can see it and girls too. They are afraid of you because they feel that you just want to use them to fight your fears. What you can do? Behave yourself not like an amateur, but like an experienced one, show more interest in women, less talk about yourself. And power lifting is a good thing, though I prefer running, skiing and skating.

  55. Brian Kim Says:

    Arvid,

    I would still suggest lifting weights to increase your testosterone. Nature has a way of overriding nurture which would be beneficial in your case.

    I can understand why not having a father figure early on in life has contributed to your situation. My recommendation would be to start associating with other father figures in your life - to have a mentor take you under their wing - an uncle, a teacher, a boss, someone you look up to and I would also recommend spending more time socializing with men and bonding with them and less time with women (iron sharpens iron).

    MMAfan,

    It’s great to see your dedication to weight lifting. The only thing I just want to say is that it’s not THE component that will give you success with women. It’s just one of them.

    With regard to your wish of waiting for a woman to start a conversation with you, I’m sorry to burst your bubble here but it’s probably not going to happen. Women tend to be indirect. It’s the man job to approach at all times. I’ve written a couple of articles regarding approaching people in general that you might want to read if you have the time.

    http://briankim.net/blog/2006/09/shatter-the-limits-talk-to-strangers/

    http://briankim.net/blog/2007/09/how-to-get-over-the-fear-of-approaching-people/

    Hope that helps.

  56. Damon Torner Says:

    Testosterone isn’t the only thing girls look for. Being a man is 90% of it. But there are some androgynous traits that women find attractive too. For instance, being emotive…the ability to be attentive and cater to emotions. In an ideal guy society, we wouldn’t have to do that. Everything would be to the point, systematic, and action packed. Like if we want to impress a girl, we have to be attentive to her emotions and direct the flow…and let hers flow out sometimes too.

  57. Kāpēc meitenēm labāk patīk sliktie puiši? « Jump and fly in free air! Says:

    […] Sērfojot pa netu uzgāju interesantu rakstu. Why Nice Guys Can’t Get Girl. Interesants raksts par to, kāpēc meitenes labāk izvēlas džekus, kuri ir slikti (sliktie puiši). […]

  58. Bob Says:

    Lifting weights didn’t do anything for me, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

    I’m not constantly seeking approval from women, nor do I put them on a pedestal.

    I have my hobbies and my goals, and divulging in them only makes it easier for women to ignore me.

    I am not afraid of my masculinity, and I have no issues with my self-image.

    Most everyone I meet thinks me an awesome guy who any woman would consider herself lucky to be with.

    Why aren’t women drawn to me like they should be?

  59. Brian Kim Says:

    Bob,

    I’m sure that’s a question many men have and the answer will be different for every person.

    I don’t think I’m in a position to help given the fact that I don’t know anything about you.

    My suggestions would be to get some feedback from friends of the opposite sex regarding the issue you’re having and take it from there.

  60. Bob Says:

    I don’t know, I thought I painted a pretty decent picture of me and my situation. :S

    Advice from women is meaningless, since the only things they EVER say are “it varies from person to person”, “their loss”, “don’t worry, she’s out there”, and “I dunno, girls are crazy/stupid”. I swear, this is ALL they ever say.

  61. Brian Kim Says:

    Bob,

    I forgot to add “/same sex” to my previous comment so you might try that as well. Sometimes our close male friends can give us direct knowledge as to our weak areas when dealing with the opposite sex.

    With regard to the topic of getting advice from women, I understand what you’re saying and I understand how that can be frustrating. Take it all with a grain of salt - it’s just there to maybe help you see something you might not have seen before.

  62. Bob Says:

    The only practical advice my male friends have to offer is that I should change my look (which I don’t believe in, since this is how I want to look and if I’m happy with how I look, that should logically mean that I am exuding confidence which women just LOVE, right??), or that I go bar-hopping and try to get women as drunk as possible, which I find just plain insulting. I shouldn’t have to alter a woman’s sense of reality just for her to want to spend time with me, especially since almost every woman I ever meet says that they think I’m a great guy. Many of my more successful male friends have seen me in action and they can’t figure out where I’m going wrong either. Apparently I’m not doing anything different from them (short of the bar scene, that is).

  63. ernie Says:

    wow thanks for this man, this arcticle and link to the book really helped my thinking thanks for everything. i have this girl, i like her and she is so shy, she likes the nice me and i dont know if i can afford to change now, what can i do?

  64. Jake Says:

    that is mind blowing, totally awesome man, just amazing, i love how it was backed up and everything, this really has changed how i will react to a woman that strikes me, and how I will control my feelings toward my masculinity rather than my desperation, love it! thanks

  65. Brian Kim Says:

    Bob,

    You just might be going through a classic case of the desire paradox syndrome. The more you desire women, the more they seem to get out of reach and vice versa.

    I would recommend just taking a hiatus from the dating game, put your focus on something else entirely and take it from there.

    Ernie,

    Honestly, I have no idea what your question is about. Please calrify.

    Jake,

    Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it.

    I’m glad the article was able to help. Save some women for the rest of us ;)

  66. Julius Says:

    Ingenious, Brilliant, Excellent, Awesome Article!!! Thank You very much
    the points made here has reminded me that I am a man with a P3nis, I have the authority and nature intended it to be this way, Because we are Males we are the D*%#’s and woman are the P*%$$5’s women should be looking how to impress a man and make him her challenge rather than the opposite. ;)

  67. Bob Says:

    If you’re a REAL man, Julius, you shouldn’t be afraid of saying words like “penis”, “dicks”, and “pussies”.

    “I would recommend just taking a hiatus from the dating game, put your focus on something else entirely and take it from there.”
    I’ve been trying to do that for years. My stupid human programming keeps interfering with my ambition to achieve such an off personal choice.

  68. some guy Says:

    im really sick of this, i work out, play sports, and lift weights alot but i still dont get anything, man i wish girls didnt exist

  69. Kyle Says:

    I’m the almost the same way. I play probably one of the manliest sports in hockey and can’t get a girl. I’m not really an avid weight lifter but I’ll give that a try. The article was very intriguing and made me rethink about myself. This is definitely going into my “favorites” section.

  70. Adam Says:

    My view is similar to this, but in different words. The nice guys look towards the girl as a means of finding happiness. Women sense this, and label it as a form of desperation-a be-all, end-all, fix-all. Now, if you are happy with your life before pursuing the girl, they sense confidence and stability. I’ve experienced this myself, and I know for a fact that what Mr. Kim says works. Develop your personality, be happy BEFORE pursuing the girl, and she’ll come to YOU. If you exude the demeanor that you don’t need women to live, it drives em NUTS.

  71. Dr Truth Says:

    This is so true. Screw being nice. Its been hurting a lot of males. Lets just be men. let mars be mars and venus be venus.

  72. Manimaran Says:

    WOW…. Amazing….Wonderful…What an Article???
    I really enjoyed every sentence under the section “Don’t make women the focal point of your life.”
    I am also same like this. Always I wonder, Why girls believe the guy who is a liar,a cheater or else fraud. It always happened in my life. Whether in my college life or in office environment.
    It seems that this article is perfectly written for me. From here, I am going to set a goal and going to dream about that. Hereafter I will not go back of any girls…

    Tons of Thanks Brian Kim.

  73. Brian Kim Says:

    some guy,

    Those things you’ve mentioned only serve to be the foundation. Now you’ve got to go out there and meet women!

    Kyle,

    I’m glad the article made you rethink yourself. I hope it helps.

    Adam,

    Very well said. Thanks for sharing your views in your own words.

    Dr. Truth,

    Indeed. Let men be men. Let women be women. And let nature take its course.

    Manimaran,

    Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I hope you get what you’re looking for.

  74. machine Says:

    rule # 1 be coumfortable who u are…….. jerks are not really jerks they are jus hotter 2 some girls than the girls are to them so they trigger an “infatuation” and then their decisiveness and assertive personalities make them “leaders” and help trigger oxytocin feelings in the women

    Rule #2 do not act too needy… u dont want girls to think that u are gonno pull shit if they are 1 on 1 with u… be chill, relaxed and urself and make them laugh and be somewhat unpredictable (NOT TOO UNPREDICTABLE OR THEY WONT KNO WHAT TO MAKE OF IT)

    Rule #3 some jerks get girls, some do not, just take control and lead… do not let girls “YANK U AROUND AND OWN U”
    Rule #4 talk to a LOT OF WOMEN about EVERYTHING and make “common ground” and comment if u like something but dont flirt or touch unless they INVITE THESE BEHAVIORS.. otherwise u creep chicks out
    Rule #5 gucci, bathing ape, prada, evisu, coogi, sean john, versace, rolex, athletic stati, leadership will not necessarily get you girls, evne if you are at a school known for “easy girls” u may be greatly dissapointed, things tend to happen in the most unusual places so do NOT anticipate every female interaction as a prospect
    rule # 5 surprise girls…. jerks do this well and they also run shit becasue they create the world that the girls revolve around. If you are wrapped around someones finger, they own you and then you are their “pawn on the chessboard” and its better to infatuate someone and then play “hard to get”
    THE JERKS GET GIRLS AT TIMES BECAUSE GIRLS WANT WHAT THEY CANT HAVE AND THEY DRAW ATTENTION AND THEY HAVE OFTEN BEEN DATING FOR LONGER AND HAVE MORE EXP WITH THIS KIND OF GAME COMPARED TO THE NICE GUYS WHO WERE OFTEN “DIFFERENT” IN HIGH SCHOOL AND JERKS OFTEN CAN HAVE BAD BOY APPEAL TO SOME PEOPLE THAT MAKES THEM EXCITING AND GIVES GIRLS A BIGGER SENSE OF SECURITY THAN THE NICE GUYS, BUT THERE ARE PLENTY OF JERKS WHO “STRUGGLE” WITH WOMEN AND EVEN SCARE SOME AND ARE LOATHED BY OTHERS… JERKS GET A LOT AT FIRST AND THEN THEY ARE FINISHED AND NEED TO SEARCH FARTHER OUT!!

    Some jerks even have jealosy issues and drug problems that complicate their relatinoships and although the narcissistic people are extremely picky and bossy and get the first attention, many of them are not the guys girls eventually “settle down with”

    just make jokes, critique shit, dont hit on girls like u wanna get laid unless they are comin onto u first, address your wants and stand up for urself if girls are tryin to get u to do something for them that u dont want to do… this will turn them on when u can look out for urself rather than become someones “PUPPET”

  75. Ted Says:

    YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAN this article is probably the BEST ARTICLE i have ever read on the internet. No kidding!!! You just reminded me that i am a MAN and shouldn’t be kissing asses! NO more mister nice guy. Im going back the gym tomorrow. Gotta increase that TESTOSTERONE!!! lol

  76. Some Guy Says:

    Hi Brian,

    Thanks for the article, I think it will help me a great deal :)

    But I’m wondering if you have any insight to offer about my situation here:

    My best friend is a girl, and I sort of want to move beyond being friends. Problem is, both of us are going through hard times in our lives and we kind of just help each other get through it. I listen to problems in her life and offer suggestions. She listens to problems in my life and offers suggestions. She calls and visits me when I feel down. I call and visit her when she feels down.

    I’m afraid that if I try to move beyond friendship with this that either she will not share my desire, or that we will get together and eventually break up, this ruining the friendship. I don’t think either of us would fare well at all if we lost this friendship, as neither of us has anyone else to talk to about the family problems plaguing both of us. So I don’t want that to happen, but that means I just don’t know what I should do, if anything.

    Sometimes I feel like I’d love nothing more than to be dating her, but other times I feel like she’d overwhelm me with drama and make my life miserable. It’s quite confusing and I’m totally lost.

    Any thoughts Brian?

    Regards, Some Guy

  77. Brian Kim Says:

    machine,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the issue.

    Ted,

    Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Now go hit those weights!

    Some Guy,

    I’m not usually comfortable giving relationship advice just because I don’t know all the details of the situation and that’s it’s ultimately a personal decision as well but I will say this:

    Ask yourself - is it all worth it? If you go all in, will it be worth it?

    That should give you an idea of the direction you should go.

    Hope that helps.

  78. tl Says:

    so basically what you’re saying is that personality has nothing to do with anything. it’s all about TESTOSTERONE! lift weights and girls will flock to you! i hate to break the news to you, but if you honestly think this is true for a second then you’re a fool.

  79. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi tl,

    Please read the entire article before posting a comment. You’ll find there’s more to the article than just testosterone.

    Only a fool would criticize something that he/she didn’t fully read or obviously understand.

    As for the testosterone comment itself, I have a feeling you’re one of the skinny guys who was always jealous and envious of those who girls just naturally flocked to. You’ll find they can sense it. They know someone who has it.

    Hit the weights first and then come back and see if you want to take your comment back.

    I guarantee that you will.

  80. Drunkburger Says:

    Hey Brian,

    I thought your article was very interesting to read. However, i have some questions.
    You say you must embrace your man inside. I don’t know if i do this, i am not self aware of it.
    I grew up in a house full of females, with no father, 2 mothers and 3 sisters.
    So obviously i am also very femine.

    I know what girls enjoy and what they don’t, i heared this from my sisters for example.
    So by following these steps they told me, i thought i should have succes. But i did not, sometimes i even think that girls get scared of me because i am too “perfect” in theire eyes.
    I am not in search of a relation though, i just wanna play around. Yes i kissed a few girls in my life and i’m only 17 so i got alot of life to go. But that’s not the point.

    The point is this: I can’t change the inside, i can’t change who i am. I don’t like to watch or attend in sport, i don’t treat woman like shit like me friends tell me to do.
    I also do not put them on a pedestal, i treat them as humanbeings. I am being a man but also half a female (in own eyes. I have never heard anyone said it though).
    I work out yes, but not much. People cant see i am musculair when i have clothes on, i am not very big also. I do however have a good body, girls told me i did.

    I also dont kiss girls asses. When they whine about something, when its important i’ll listin, but if its just crying about a guy thats an asshole i instantly cut her off and say she doesnt need to tell me this. It happend to me twice with 2 different girls although i met uncountable females,
    so maybe im not a big “nice” guy yet.

    LAST PROBLEM :P

    I have a friend who has alot of succes with the ladies. He comes home with a girl almost every weekend. However he is everything negative in what you tell: chubby, ignorant, very child like. But he always gets a girl. HOW?!

    That was everything i guess.
    Hope you can give me some anwsers.

  81. Robby G Says:

    Yeah, there’s definetely more to this article than testosterone. It’s an overall good article. Nice job even though I think it maybe should’ve been broken up into two or three parts. Hard to go through in one sitting. Good, long read though.

    Cheers.

  82. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Drunkburger,

    This link should answer your first question.

    http://briankim.net/blog/2007/08/how-to-be-a-man/

    As to the question about your friend, there’s no way for me to answer that short of observing him for myself. I hope you understand.

    Robby,

    Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it. I figured those interested enough in the article would read it from start to finish so I didn’t feel the need to break it down.

  83. Jim Says:

    This article doesn’t say anything that I haven’t heard thousands times. The important question that should be asked isn’t how to attract women, but how to attract the right women. The idea that nice guys are hiding their masculinity is kind of outdated thinking. You have to consider that the maybe he isn’t stereotypical masculinity. Maybe that is just who he is as a person. It really depends on how you define masculinity and rather you believe in force gender stereotypes.

  84. Help Says:

    I’m in Highschool. Does social status have anything to do with why girls wont date you in highschool. I like this girl and I think she likes me. I dont have her number but I know how to ge it. Should i just give her a call and ask her out?

  85. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Jim,

    Thanks for your comments. I really appreciate it.

    This article was written specifically to help nice guys and the reasons why they are so unsuccessful with women. Once they understand the reasons why and correct them, I think the next logical step would be as you pointed out, how to attract the right women.

    Help,

    I would not call her first without asking for her number directly.

    And I wouldn’t worry about social status in high school either. Just have fun!

  86. Help Says:

    Ok well I’m just so lost when it comes to girls. In your article it says you can approach girls randomly and just start talking to them. So when a girl is giving you those eye(you know the kind) I should approach her and talk to her. ( this happens most often in between classes when everyone’s rushing to the next one. And about this other girl I was talking about earlier If I think she likes me what should I do? Girls always are attracted to me at first but then Idk something goes wrong and it pisses me off. And the reason I brought up social status is because there has been many times when a girl will like a guy but she will not respond to him because she is too “popular”. And the whole thing about not seeking a girls praise. Well if i just ignore girls they ignore me. I could sit in class and walk through school and do my own thing and a girl would never say anything to me. I’m 19 so it’s not like my times up I just want to learn something before it’s too late. I f you have any advice please help.

  87. Help Says:

    Oh yeah, by the way I read your article about being a man. I have lacked a male role model all my life and I found it to be very helpful. Thanks.

  88. Spencer Polanco Says:

    This is absolutely amazing! I have been that nice fucking guy for so long and I finally know the reason now. Im so happy that i was searching shit on google and came across this article. Im leaving the country now but ill hit the gym as soon as i come back man. You have no idea, this could just change my life. Im definitely going to be the other guy now. Fuck the nice guy!

  89. Caleb Says:

    This article is amazing may I say. But you make it look like being a “nice guy” is bad. I guess there are 2
    “kinds” of nice guys. Ones that are desperate and think about women all the time and the other, the actual term of a nice guy, a guy who is nice. I don’t work out. I still got a girl and i’m still with her, the relationship is strong, but I didn’t need to work out. Either maybe I produce enough testerones already or not all girls look for that. I think if you’re the actual term of the nice guy, you’ll get a nice girl. You’re not boring whatsoever if you make a few teases here and there and actually talk. If you’re not looking for a nice girl, then this article is for you.

  90. adam Says:

    Dear Brian, I read your article and I will def try focusign on my goals first. Here is the issue I would like your advice on. I met this girl during my last semester at college. I really like her and she knows it very well. I always have done everything and anythign for her and she is caring too. However after 8 months, this guy she used to talk to called her after 3 months of not talking to her. He has done this 3 times before where he hangs out with her, asks her to be his gf, she says no and then he curses her out, tells her not to ever talk to him and ignores her for 3-4 months. He has come back into her life and she is sooo happy and spending alot of time with him and our friendship has gone down because I was too jealous. What can i do to make her be interested in me again like she was in the beginning? any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

  91. Rahul Says:

    Interesting article. I’ve been called a “nice guy” many times, but I can easily get women - even though I don’t want any at this moment because I’m busy with medical school. However, statistically speaking, there has to be at least one woman for each man irrespective of whether the guy is a “nice guy” or a “not-so-nice guy.” The important thing is that guys should relax and BE YOURSELF and don’t pretend to be someone else. My suggestion is to travel to foreign countries and meet the different types of women in the world.

  92. Brian Kim Says:

    Help,

    I would recommend reading the last part of the article where it starts off with not making women the focal point of your life.

    Spencer,

    I’m glad you’ve seen the light.

    Caleb,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience.

    Adam,

    It seems like you ARE the nice guy. Read what you wrote, and then read the article once more.

    Rahul,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience as well.

  93. Mat S. Says:

    Wow, thank you Brian. I would never have though about any of that, but now that I read it it all makes perfect sence..

    I’ve only just turned 16, I met a girl at my 16th and spent the night with her, woke up the morning after and hadn’t thought anything about it until my mates asked what was going on with us now then?
    Which is when thoughts of her flooded my head, then my friend decided to make it his business to ‘try and get us together’ even though I knew she probably wouldn’t like me.
    She said to him, which he then followed to tell me ‘That she only saw me as a friend and not as a boyfriend’ which sucked, so I decided I’d try and drop it. But I just couldn’t fucking get her out of my head, I failed a test the other day ’cause I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. I got home today and I’d had a gut full, thought I’d surf the net for some solutions, and I found this..
    So I’m going to now try some of these things.. Thanks again.

  94. Brian Kim Says:

    Mat,

    Thanks for sharing that with us.

    I know that experience is painful now but look at what it led you to.

    It proved to be your own triggering event that will catalyze your metamorphosis. You’ll thank her later on. I guarantee it.

  95. DJ Says:

    Hey Brian,

    I am shy. I would like to think that I am a nice guy and good looking. I am 27 years old (Most people think I am 22), I have never had sex, kissed, or even had a relationship with a girl. I respect women and I love them. I am 5′8″ weigh 175 LBS, I lift weights almost every day, and I am not fat at all. In-fact I would say that I am alot more than above average for muscularity. I have been to a lot of parties and have seen many women leave with butt-ugly guys, and it pisses me off to no end! It doesn’t make any sense to me.

    I like to be myself. I have had a 10 inch MoHawk, which the ladies digged (but it never helped me any), I ride around on a chopper style street bike, and I have a 12 inch gotee.

    I have done all of these things because I wanted too, I have never had a girlfriend to persuade me.

    And in most cases all the guys I meet admire me, and copy me.

    SO WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG? Why can’t I even get a girl to acknowledge me?

    I am not the nice guy who buys a bunch of trash for the girl, I don’t try sweet talking them, I just try to be myself.

    Apparently being yourself isn’t the thing to be.

  96. Spone Says:

    I think the person above who said they try to be what the woman wants hit the nail on the head. That’s what I don’t like about nice guys, that they seem phony and flaky. Everyone, not just us women, is incredibly turned on by a person who is passionate about their own interests, whatever they may be.

    I adore men who treat me well and don’t need a tough exterior (the jocks and bad boys thing? what? I thought we left that behind in high-school). If anything that just makes the guy look like he has excessive baggage and something to prove. If he’s comfortable with himself, has his own solid values, and respect for people, then I want to spend time with him. Any genuine thoughtfulness is a plus, because it’s above and beyond what most men offer. The idea is not to avoid being sweet, it’s just to not be false.

  97. Brian Kim Says:

    DJ,

    I don’t really know much about your situation or how you operate but one issue might be that you intimidate women. Also it’s one thing to improve yourself but it’s another to take the initiative and interact with women and ask them out. If you’re not doing that and waiting for them to come to you and have them do the work, you’re going to be waiting a very long time.

    Spone,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You make some great points.

  98. BrightStar Says:

    I would just like to add a comment. You said in the article that feminism has perpetuated the idea that “men are pigs,” “men are rapists,” etc., but this was never what feminism was trying to achieve. Feminism is simply the idea that men and women are equal as human beings. Feminists know that men are not evil chauvinistic pigs in reality, but unfortunately the idea of what it means to be a man in society is usually linked somehow with men being superior to women, inappropriate aggressive behavior and violence or objectification of women. Feminism merely brings to the surface many injustices that are relevant to women in particular, and seeks to give us a world where men can be men and women can be women and these defnitions don’t include one gender being superior to the other or one being valued more than the other. Please don’t believe in silly stereotypes about feminists hating men, being unfeminine, etc. Most people actually are feminist but they don’t identify themselves as that because of this stereotype. I hope this post made sense and I thoroughly conveyed what I was trying to get across.

  99. Brian Kim Says:

    Thanks for your comment BrighStar. I believe you got your point across.

    And please note in my article, I stated it was radical feminism, not feminism.

  100. Raza Says:

    This whole thing is a load of bullshit. Don’t worship females any more and we wouldn’t have this problem. They’re too selfish and spoiled right now and they get away with everything. This is why men have to work like dogs to get one, nice guy or not. If you’re fucked up you get one and if you’re not then you don’t get a girlfriend. Its as simple as that. And its not your fault. They’re addicted to materialism. And everything else. To beauty. And looks. And so on and so forth. Instead of believing in God and obeying his commandments.

    Here this girls response proves what I am saying: “I think the person above who said they try to be what the woman wants hit the nail on the head. That’s what I don’t like about nice guys, that they seem phony and flaky. Everyone, not just us women, is incredibly turned on by a person who is passionate about their own interests, whatever they may be.”

    In other words she’s into a guy who is into himself. Prideful. She lusts after that. Somebody to be his own god. And its disgusting. If she had a love for Jesus she wouldn’t be so corrupted. Somebody who is genuinely nice obeys guy. Loves other people. Will do anything for her because he loves God and wants to help her out just like a brother or a sister. Some men do worship women and that is wrong. But there are plenty of men who also worship God and are shunned because of his commandments and peoples love for sin.

    Why do you think every marriage is falling apart? You think its because you KNOW what you’re talking about? No. Its because goodness is no longer attractive. It is seen as boring and all the things she and other girls are saying. They are addicted to passion and sex, and materialism and have no eyes to see love any more. So naturally the nice guys aren’t getting any. Because they are obeying God.

    This girl even went so far as to think it was phony. What’s phony is your superficial love for some guy based purely off sexual attraction and dominance. I’m in a unique position to say this because I’ve experimented with it. I went out and used everything I could think of, dominance, lies, materialism, the usual stuff everybody uses today, and the girls went nuts over me. I was astonished so I kept it up. Eventually I started to feel awful because I knew it was superficial. And that if I were in serious trouble she would drop me. Which is troubling. So of course it wears thin. Because it has no substance. So the end result is entering a broken relationship. That is likely to be the end. And eventually divorce. Girls gotta start listening to their guys and guys have to stop worshiping them for their sex. Because girls have a monopoly right now and its unfair.

    People you have to stop promoting the worship of women and then this problem will go away. They won’t be able to get away with this selfishness and dominance that they have over the society today. And if you think I am sexist you are misunderstanding me. Its because of us that this has happened. Its because of our sinful nature. Please don’t worship sex. And you won’t have a problem any more. And women won’t rule you any longer. And they won’t be allowed to get away with so much selfishness and immorality such as they do today. And you will finally find a good women because they will come out of the woodwork.

    Places that allow evil, sow evil, they reap evil. And this is what has happened in the world today.

    Good Luck - please don’t believe people like this who think the nice guy has a problem. The bigger problem lies in us all. Stop committing adultery.

  101. Raza Says:

    I’d also like to say you should read what Dan M Says. He is number 45 on the list of comments here and he is speaking the truth.

  102. CW Says:

    Brian, read your article and was very impressed and it really gave me a lot to think about. Also I just wanted to say that I’m also very impressed with how well you handle the comments. I read through some that seemed to really not get your points and you handle them all in such a straight forward, thoughtful and non-defensive way. I’m not used to seeing blogs this well written and it’s very refreshing. Thanks!

  103. The Rattlesnake Says:

    You mentioned that in “American” society, the nice guys are flooding up and are constantly being turned down. Here’s one reason why “American” nice guys are being turned down. It’s because we live in America and America has A LOT. We may have a serious financial crisis, but that doesn’t stop anybody from purchasing all the neat, new and fancy clothing that makes us all rich, powerful, and “better” than some others. We live in a wonderful country that has done much and a lot of girls have taken advantage of that. They are spoiled and yes I give my heart out to them. I treat them like a jewel because they do whatever they can to look like a jewel. I’m searching for a pure white bride one day and never will I lower my expectations. Perhaps if our country was more average or suffering like other poor countries, there would be a tighter unity between everyone and true love would stand a higher chance of lasting.

  104. Brian Kim Says:

    Raza,

    Thank you for taking the time to articulate and share your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

    CW,

    Thank you very much for your kind words. I really appreciate it!

    The Rattlesnake,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinion as well. I appreciate it.

  105. Zain Says:

    The problem I have with this article is that your view of masculinity is rather outdated and stereotypical.

    I’ll use a close of friend of mine as an example, He’s thin, never lifted a weight in his life, and plays EVE online on a regular basis yet he is in a wonderful relationship with a very attractive woman and has had no problems attracting women. I have another friend who is very muscular, a typical gymrat and while he has had a few steady girlfriends here and there, he still gets nervous talking to women.

    My point is women are attracted to all types of men and that building some muscle doesn’t mean women are going to start throwing themselves at you. Or that it will drastically boost your confidence. Atleast not for every guy. Infact I know women who laugh and make fun of guys who are very muscular because they often assume these guys are idiots with no brains and have nothing else to them but their muscles even if it’s not true or that they are vain and egotisical Can lifting weights help? maybe, if one actually enjoys lifting weights. but it’s not the only way to build confidence.

    Another problem I have is that you are phycho analyzing and making assumptions about “nice guys” saying that they are somehow ashamed of their masculinity or that they are hiding behind it. How do you know this? Perhaps they just don’t embrace their masculinity the same way you do? Perhaps
    it’s just who they are as a person and they are just not very traditonally masculine. Like I said women are attracted to all types of men. Some women do not like muscular macho men.

    One thing I do agree with is that nice guys often put women on a pedestal and worship them. I believe women infact do like nice guys but nice guys they respect and nice guys who actually have opinions of their own.

  106. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Zain,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    This article was geared toward addressing an group of guys on the extreme scale so the article in question will naturally contain extreme advice as well.

  107. Sebastian Says:

    Wow, this is totally me.

    I even checked out that site that somebody linked in 2007 related to the ‘female p.o.v’.

    In that article it mentioned that nice guys will aim for girls that have life troubles sometimes, and they’ll act is if they are ‘helping’ her and that the girl owes it to the guy for swooping in and ’saving’ the girl.

    I was that guy, and that relationship ended within a month when she had to move to the Canada’s West Coast in 2009. (She ended up moving back to Alberta after her family issues settled down).

    I thought she was walking all over me when we were dating. She would flirt with other guys and I’d let it slide, and just take care of her like I thought I should be doing. We didn’t have sex or anything, in fact I’m still a 17 year old virgin, unlike my friends.

    I pretty much put her on a pedestal like your article mentioned. And I’m still that type of guy. I have a lot of anxiety problems, but reading that article gave me a goal to work towards. I’m pretty damn tired of literally being referred to as ‘the nice guy’. The one thing that I believe protects my masculinity is taking offense to being jokingly referred to as ‘gay’. It’s hard to even defend that because my sister’s influence me a lot at home, I almost gossip like they do.

    It’s hard as hell to be a guy without a father influence at home, but honestly, this article helped give a new direction for me to head, instead of nowhere, where I was already going.
    Thank God for Google showing your article first.

  108. Aladdin Says:

    Damn just damn this this article should be put on a pedestal

  109. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi Sebastian,

    Thanks for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. I’m glad the article was able to help give you new direction.

    Here’s to one of the best journeys you will ever take in your life.

    Aladdin,

    Thank you very much for the kind word about the article. I really appreciate it.

  110. Joe Says:

    Thank you

  111. Sebastian Says:

    I actually have some new insight on this whole topic. I think everyone is missing the point about the ‘weightlifting’. He’s not saying ‘get buff = attractive’. He’s saying that doing manly things, or realizing you are a man, and that one day you’ll have to provide for a family if you have children, or that you can’t be a little boy forever, is what’s going to give off the aura of ‘Hey, that guy’s pretty good-looking / confident / handsome / interesting’.

    Lifting weights is just ONE way to go about releasing testosterone, or ONE way to go about feeling masculine.

    Being a hardworker with a lot of work / business ethics, or at least attempting to build them, can even cause the same effect. Having something other than girls on your mind all day helps as well, and maybe lifting weights is something to think about besides women. For others it’s video games / sports / reading / writing / music, and anything of the sort.

    You could be a lanky guy who works at ROCK N’ ROLL McDONALDS, is in a shitty garage band playing guitar, and have a great relationship with a girl because if she’s a confident girl herself, maybe she’ll see that you have things going for you in your life, and you won’t obsess over her.

    I’m in the right position to give this advice, not take it for myself.

    That’s usually how life lessons work.

  112. Brian Kim Says:

    Joe,

    You’re very welcome.

    Sebastian,

    Great point to put into perspective the wrong viewpoint others have had on the article. I really appreciate you articulating it.

  113. nick Says:

    dude, thank you so much im a teenager from britain and you really opened my eyes

  114. Brian Kim Says:

    You’re very welcome Nick.

  115. EssDoubleYoo Says:

    I’m sorry…. I was severely disappointed with it being suggested I have to ‘man up’ & change my mentality just to gain happiness with a woman.

    I am a nice guy in the sense I like the finer things, the free things, the things that bring me enjoyment in life. So is there not a woman on the face of this earth who does what I do & overrides their chemical imbalance and forgets the stupid, & quite frankly primitive act of allowing hormones to control their emotions?

    All I ever did for my girl (when amazingly I managed to get one) was the things I thought should come naturally to my way of thinking. Treat them well, make them feel special, reassure them, let them know of your good intentions for the future etc Life is fraught with uncertainty & misunderstanding. What’s wrong with being clear anymore?

    Hmmm, I dunno…… I’m just very unhappy. Knowing that because of who I am & who I choose to be is deemed ‘unattractive’ to the opposite sex. I’ll never be a ‘bad boy’, I’ll never be ‘wreckless’, and I most certainly won’t hold back on things I want to do for women incase it might put them off.

    Sorry if I came on a bit strong, but it really is a frustrating situation to be in……

    -S

  116. Brian Kim Says:

    Hi EssDoubleYoo,

    Nowhere in this article did it state that you have to “man up” and change your mentality just to gain happiness with a woman.

    If what you’re doing now isn’t working, perhaps it’s a sign to change.

  117. Vaughan Says:

    Hello Brian,

    Thank you for this article and i have to admit that yes i am a nice guy, however i am not the kind who will bring flowers to a coffee date or even indulge thousands of dollars into a woman unless i feel that she has done something to deserve it. I will state that i am in a relationship with someone and we are in current planning of getting married. I do things for her as we have a child together so i dont mind going that extra mile to bend over backwards for her considering that this is, in the biblical and moral sense, the right thing to do. I don’t complain or fuss with her even if i am tired because i am smart enough to understand that she is tired too.

    My problem however is that i feel that i give 100% every day, all of the time and as some like to state, 24/7;365, whereas she gives about 80% and on occasion, less. It makes me feel inferior to the relationship at times and i constantly juggle the thought in my head about a statement my stepfather made before, “The person who cares less about the relationship, runs the relationship.” So does this mean that two persons in a relationship generally have to try to care less for each other for a successful relationship.

    Another thing as well… Does Testosterone really have anything to do with the attraction of men and women? Taking into account that women are in fact human, this justifies the clarification that women are in fact different and cannot be referred to in a general state we confused men often place them in. (eg: women do this, women like that, no woman likes it when…) Understanding this statement, i believe that it is quite safe to say that not all women are attracted to high testosterone and thats it. Not to knock your game, but i would like to add that some women just like different things. Women can be divided into the categories that men have been divided into.

    Just to name a few:
    *Players
    *Insecure Wrecks
    *Nice Girls
    *Jocks

    I believe that a large part in why women are hard to get or unapproachable to some varies from person to person, but the formula remains the same, American Social Standing + Personal Insecurities and social experience = Imbalance in the networking of male and female attraction. There are many reasons and formulas consisting of knowledge of other nationalities and beliefs, religion, way of living, age, media… so on and so forth. Just as a jock can get a girl, so can a nerd, but the sacrifices, personal social endurance, and determination are set so much higher. No model girl wants a fat, repulsive nerd who plays WOW out of his mothers basement and can arm and disarm anythig technological, but majority of women would love to date the two guys from the twilight series even if he cant read “The Little Red Hen”.

    I could go on forever about this and im sure ive jumped track a few times, so ill just stick to the basics. Everyone wants love but no one wants to be patient. Patience may not have been a factor if it wasnt for the American Social Standards.

    I say Nice guys keep being nice guys because thats what the world needs. Desperate guys who cant be strong within themselves to understand that people need space and a motive to work for, stay strong with yourself and realize that you can be even stronger and happier.

    America just needs to change the word used in this debate about nice guys. A more defining word should be used instead of “nice guys”.

    PS: I’d love a desperate and social-failure type girl..not because i have a greater opportunity to control her, but because i know she will give me the 100% i deserve.

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