Seeing as how the Why Nice Guys Can’t Get Girls article is the 3rd most visited one on this site, it’s no wonder why I get so many emails on the subject of dating from men. Turns out, these guys (who are nice guys no more) are ready to get out there, but they have one problem.
The fear of rejection.
They can’t seem to work up the nerve to ask women out.
So how do we deal with it?
First, it’s to understand why the fear is so great in the first place. We tend to fear the unknown so if we can get a better understanding of it, we can reduce the mystery of it and see what it’s all about.
When a man asks a woman out and gets rejected, it obviously hurts the ego and men tend to take it personally, as a rejection of their entire being, but the real pain is more innate and biological because when a woman rejects a man, and other women see it, they leap to the conclusion that something must be wrong with him, reducing his chances with those other woman. And even if no other women are there to witness it, they might hear it through the grapevine, and even if nobody else knows about it, the man tends to think the same thing – that there must be something wrong with him, hindering his confidence with the ladies in the future.
So it’s not just the single rejection that men fear the most; it’s the implication that carries along with it that he and everyone else thinks that affects his chances with future women.
After understanding the nature behind it and getting a clear picture of why men fear rejection, the second thing to do is to simply reduce your chances of getting rejected. Some people go guns blazing in terms of asking women out left and right with the hopes that the pain of rejection will start to dull after they get rejected time after time after time. That may work for some, but most men will have trouble just starting. It’s like cold calling in sales. The rejection rate is very high and the average response rate, if you’re good is 1%, but there is a less invasive way that will greatly reduce your chances of getting rejected and that’s by simply getting quality leads.
What I mean by quality leads are honing in on the women who seem to have an interest in you. You pull the trigger when you think you can “make the sale” so to speak. But in order to do that, you’ve got to look for the signs and that’s where women come in. Men tend to put themselves out there and women tend to make it easier for them by giving them signs that they can ask them out, but most of the time, men are pretty oblivious to any signs women give. Women in turn are frustrated because to them, it seems like they’re being quite obvious with their signs, but men can’t seem to detect it. I’m sure all women have stories of when to them, it seemed as if they did everything short of holding up a green light to get a man to ask them out, only to have the man be completely oblivious to the signs and I’m sure most men have had experiences where they’ve found out after the fact through the grapevine that they missed out on all the signs as well.
The trouble with that for men is that there is no one universal standard they can use to gauge interest in women. It really tends to depend on the woman. Some are so shy that they will completely ignore you so they can reject you first before you can reject them. Some are so extroverted that it may seem like they’re flirting with you, when in reality, that’s how they are by nature with everyone so it’s hard to tell the difference.
In general, if you find women playfully hitting you, touching you, poking fun at you lightly, trying to get you to laugh, if they seem to start questioning you about your life like they’ve been sent by the CIA or FBI, if they seem to hold eye contact longer than usual, if you suddenly become the funniest guy on the planet for no reason, and you’ve got that gut feeling that it’s on, it’s pretty safe to say you got a good chance of not getting rejected when asking her out.
But all this, especially the gut feeling comes with experience. Women tend to speak the language of feeling so it really takes time and experience to understand what’s going on behind the conversation.
Probably the best way to deal with rejection, after you understand the fear behind it and narrowed down your choices to maximize your chances of not getting rejected, is to stop focusing on the fear, and start focusing on the desire to get to know the woman.
You don’t want to marry her. You don’t want to be her soul mate. You just really want to get to know her better. You just really want to see if she would be a good match for you.
You see, when you operate out of desire, instead of fear, your whole being changes instantly. Confidence will come naturally from your desire. Your eyes and demeanor and body language will communicate whatever emotion you’re feeding off of, and if you’re feeding off of desire, she will like it.
After all, men desire, women want to be desired.
Convey that desire through your eyes, let it emanate from your body, and she will melt in your hands.
If you operate out of fear instead of desire, she will see it too. You’ll become a klutz, stammer, avoid eye contact, hem, haw, etc., – which is not really putting your best foot forward. Remember, where your focus goes, grows.
Fourth, realize you can’t be all things to all people. Not everybody likes Coke. Some like Sprite, some like Cactus Cooler, some like Dr. Pepper etc.
Choose somebody who chooses you. Don’t try to chase somebody who doesn’t have any feelings for you at all. You’ll only make things worse and reek of desperation and neediness in the process.
Don’t take it personally too if someone rejects your advances as well. Sometimes, you will get shot down, even if you think you got a shot but that’s fine. It’s bound to happen. Nobody scores 100%. Thank her and move on. It happens.
Better yet, let that rejection fuel you to become a better person because if you think about, it’s really nature’s way of saying: “Prove yourself worthy.” It’s throwing down the gauntlet and challenging you to become more of a better person than you ever thought you could be.
And last, but not least, to deal with the fear of rejection, not just when it comes to dating, but in life in general, get in the habit of asking for what you want in life. Sometimes you’ll get what you want, sometimes you won’t, but at least you develop the habit of asking and you’ll never know if you don’t ask.
Understand the fear, narrow the field, focus on your desire to get to know her, and understand that you can’t be all things to all people. Let any rejection you get fuel you to become a better person and you’ll find that when you’re clear and direct with what you want and you convey your desire along with it, people will usually give you what you want, women of course, included.
